Burnout
September 18th, 2006
This really isn’t the short term burning out at all, either. This isn’t the “I’m sick of things, let me disappear for a day” thing. This is the honest to god, deep soul-core burnout that comes with running on too many cylinders for too long. The symptoms were all there: My day-long constitutationals were turning into weekly occurrences, my motivation to do anything has been flagging, my imagination hasn’t been sparked, and obligations have been dropping left and right because I simply don’t care anymore. I can’t even motivate myself to go out dancing anymore- last night was driven by a sense of obligation to my friends rather than any legitimate desire to go out.
And yet I continue to go through the motions, because I know I have to lest I be left behind in the grand scheme of things. For instance, I’m leaving work early today to go to a corporate presentation for AC Nielsen, a marketing research firm that hires out of my business school that I’m interested in. I’m going to put on my marketing face, I’m going to smile and nod and do all the nice things one does in networking situations, but that underlying enthusiasm simply won’t be there.
What else. Well, I’m going to go to class and stare at the professor, try to retain as much as I can because I have to if I want to graduate. I’m going to do homework and work on freelance because they’re obligations, not because I want to anymore. Really, sometimes I feel like the only thing that’s keeping me going is caffiene.
Deeply ingrained in me is a sense of obligation. If you agree to do something, you do it. Then there’s the problem solver in me that doesn’t shy away from a challenge, no matter how big, and takes it head on because I know damn well there’s a solution. But in the assumption of one after the other, it’s my life that’s been pushed to the edges and eliminated. After all, something has to get dropped by the wayside, right? In this case, it was me.
The problem is I don’t know how to recharge. When I go on vacation there will always be the pulse in the back of my brain that goes “You have all those obligations you need to deal with”. I simply cannot let go of them, not even for a short time, no matter how much I try. When I play computer games there’s always a part of me that’s telling me “You’re wasting time”. When I dance I look around and see so many people cutting loose, and me simply being unable to gain the energy back that I put into it.
I know how to give up control. That much is easy, all it takes is a glass of something designed to lay anyone with less tolerance than I under the table. It’s tempting- so tempting- but that’s a luxury I cannot afford. It’s relaxation that’s beyond me. I cannot conceive of a single activity anymore that doesn’t come with its own brand of stress. No hobby, no homework, nothing. It’s all Have To Do This, and Have To Do That. No more “Wants”, “Wishes” or “Dreams”.
And even now I’m looking at myself in disdain: Mike, you’re just bellyaching. Whining. Bootstrap yourself and get back to work. And as always, I’ll pull myself back up- I always do, regardless of how many or few encouraging emails I get. Frankly, most of them don’t really help, because none of them do any good in convincing the only person that needs to be convinced- myself. If I cannot learn, if I cannot understand something and accept it as my own, no amount of proof will work.
So… thanks for reading. I appreciate it. But please, don’t contact me right now. I simply won’t care enough to read it.
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