Things to think about

November 1st, 2006

This post has been punting around my brain for some time now, and I really need to get it out to clear the air a little. Since I was going to do a con report regardless, I figure this is the best time to do it because there’s certain parallels and a huge mishmash of thoughts that I really can’t pull apart.

Where it all started

Some of you know this, but I might as well clarify. About a month ago one of my lymph nodes swelled up to the size of a walnut. Under normal circumstances this isn’t a problem- we all know our lymphnodes go nuts when we’re sick… except I wasn’t. We’re all familiar with the twisted paths our mind can wander when panic sets in, and I wasn’t an exception. Lymphoma, Hodgkin’s Disease, you name it- I was suddenly forced to stare into that black abyss of uncertainty, the eradication of my identity upon death before my time.

So I went to see a doctor, because I knew that’s the only way I was going to get some answers and some peace of mind. His response was what I expected: It’s probably just you being sick, some kind of subdermal accumulation of infectious material that causing inflammation. Keep track of it for a month or so, and if it’s still there come back. At the time it wasn’t very reassuring….. but then I called my sister (Vet) and she managed to give me the reassurance I needed, at least for the time being.

A Crisis of Faith

But that didn’t remove the initial fear of staring at death, and having to come to terms with it. Fundamentally, this is perhaps one of the most difficult questions in the world- after all, death features prominently in most religions (in addition to morality and ethical codes). What amazes me is that my previous relatively strong sense of faith has been, in a nutshell, utterly shattered by this experience. It just didn’t hold up, and my confidence in my view of the cosmos just… well, withered under the undenying gaze of uncertainty. There are principles I continue to hold in regards to this- not blindly following the regurgitated and conveniently interpreted dogma of centuries of previous generations, trusting my gut more than my mind… but now that I don’t really have a place to start anymore, it’s become a lot more difficult.

That fear continues to stay with me. That fear of falling asleep and never waking up, never finding out the ending to all this, of having my identity utterly eradicated when the clock on this frail form winds down. It really is a terrible, terrible thing to stare at, to come to terms with, to really, really try to figure out while I’m still alive and kicking. After all, our survival instinct has gotten us this far, and yet intelligence… consciousness… drives us to confront the one thing survival is trying to prevent. We think about Death, we try to alleviate the fear thereof by giving it meaning, but in the end we really don’t know.

Nihilistic ramblings

That particular confrontation then got me thinking about my life, what I’m doing with it, what things I value, and all the trappings I surround myself with. None of them really matter. What items I have here… the television, the alcohol, the couches, the laptop, the dance shoes…. when I keel over, that’s it. I acquire them for personal satisfaction, as a status symbol and nothing more. So what’s the next logical place to look for something that might give someone a little bit of purpose? Well, other people seem to work, for a while. Making someone elses life incredibly special, helping people achieve their goals, supporting a community, underpriviledged children, all that jazz.

Except… when they die, that’s it. And while I play a major role in their lives, they’re still the primary actor, and I’ll probably be cut on the second reel- if they make a change, what meaning will that instill on my own life? Will I have been the person who helped them achieve what they otherwise wouldn’t have? Was it someone else?

How about contributing to society? With the amazing amount of noise out there and people clamoring for fame and fortune, it does strike me like an excellent opportunity to make a difference. But then I think of the soldiers in Iraq, those who have died and whose identity has been snuffed like so much tobacco, and I realise that there’s no way in hell I can accept being a peon to the whims of someone else, especially if I cannot guarantee their intent to contribute to society. If I strike out on my own, however, I try to join the press of people who want fame out there with this agenda of social change that’s likely going to get lost amongst the noise.

I think fundamentally it comes down to the fact that I do not want to be a cog in the wheel, just another pawn, a single thread in a huge tapestry. I want to, I’m trying to, I’m going to shine. Not through my children, not through those whom I help, not through my possessions, but simply by virtue of being myself and my actions. And not just any shine- I want to have a positive impact of significant magnitude- a new type of environmentalism, a new view on life, a new philosophy of positive thinking… I can think of a lot of things I want to do, a lot of opinions I have that I think could help so many people.

And if I manage to do that… well, I think I can live with my name being forgotten.

Diversity and Simplicity

Except to do that I need to focus, something this ADD child here considers the most difficult task of all. I really do do too many things with my life, have too many posessions, too many obligations, too many friends, too many hobbies, you name it. I, quite simply, do too many things. Now I’ve complained about this before, but so far I haven’t really done anything about any of it. Yes, I’ve talked a good talk, but like the eternal excuse of “I’ll go to the gym next week”, I’ve never followed through. Maybe that’s where all that apathy I used to have went to- the desire to seek importance through complexity has taken such strong root that I can no longer bring up the effort to simplify.

And there is truth in simplicity. There is the ability to focus, to relax, to perfect, to consider and dream. To really think about something, to explore an idea farther than until the next deadline. It’s actually a trend I’m starting to notice amongst all these freaky people I hang out with- there’s a… sense of fatigue, noise pollution, disgust with modern society. People hate all the advertisements, all the marketing spin, all the buy buy buy, give give give. The competitve nature of the world is turning everyone off to the methods that once worked, and the only thing said persons can think of is how to come up with the next big idea on how to get people to buy something.

Know what? I think it’s all going to come crashing down. We’ve lived in a period of constant advancement for so long, within the next decade or so it’s going to collapse. All those MBA’s out there (like myself) who’ve studied marketing will discover that their shouts go unheard, their campaigns are ignored, and when they try to shout louder they will find that they have lost their ability to do so. It will be a gradual, but determined shutting out, a shift to narrowmindedness, a movement to such personalized polarization that even an individual can no longer find common ground with someone else because they are so fed up with the noise that they can no longer accept a dissenting opinion without putting up blinders. Think I’m wrong? Tell me, are you a Democrat or a Republican? Do you watch CNN or Fox? Oh no, you’re the openminded one, it’s everyone else who just doesn’t get it.

Yet I cannot condemn simplicity- I find its beauty often enough, and I’ve been known to stop on my walk home just to watch the sun set over the Point. There’s a certain type of simplicity, however, that I want to pursue, one not born of blindness and hatred, but one born of the Truth I’ve mentioned above. Cut out the advertising, cut out the noise: Cut to the core of the matter regardless even of your own opinion, and you may very well find something worth keeping. I’m not talking about political Truth, or economic Truth… I’m talking about (pardon the poetic drivel) the fact that a sunset is beautiful and should be enjoyed. About the feeling of camaraderie felt when in the company of friends. The shade of a Tree in the summer, the power you feel when you close your eyes to feel the wind.

Furthermore, I hold that such simplicity can very easily be applied to that which seems to polarize us most these days: Politics. Ideals. Such things as corporate governance, social security, medicare, liberalism and conservativisim and capitalism… all these things are artificial constructs, frameworks of pure throught created by ourselves and then applied like some veneer against the real world. They’re fancy words, strung up in creative ways, and as they are layered on top of another the real meaning becomes obfuscated.

Where do I think the truth lies? What is that one, single Truth that provides a baseline for everything? Do you honestly think I have the slightest clue? I certainly don’t, and in my own idealism I consider all others to be Naive. Goals don’t matter. Politics don’t matter. Corporate misconduct doesn’t matter. The composition of the senate doesn’t matter. They are merely aspects of the environment in which we find ourselves, tools to be picked up, used, and discarded, and as such I couldn’t care less about how they came to be, or the Right or Wrongness of each, because I know that even in what others would describe to be the perfect society (regardless of what their idea thereof is) I would pursue the same goals… only with different tools, the ones at my disposal at the time.

Why do I do all this?

So what are my goals? Well, good question. Right now I pursue environmentalism, because ensuring the survival of this planet for future generations is a real, concrete goal that isn’t just a verbal construct. Anything further than that is largely dependent on what I find on the way. Being hampered by all the current obligations I hold however is no help, and I thus turn to trying to identify which of these actions do not have the aspects of simplicity that I’m looking for.

Work and school, those are aspects of our society, things that are necessary for being able to remain active in the environment. I pursue them so that I have the means, given the current system, to continue. My freelance work is… well, it is similarly an extension of that, though it doesn’t really contribute anything but stress. The work in particular is catering to the continued proliferation of noise, and while I will continue with the conclusion of that project, I doubt I will take on similar projects in the future.

The three other things I do with varying frequency then are exercise, dance, and game. Usnsurprisingly, once I cut away all the chaff and noise, I discovered that simple core that kept me coming back. For exersise it’s the simple feeling of health, that sense of value I get from being a healthy indivudal who is not restricted from action by his body. The second, dance, is all about control and balance and the joy of the music. Yes, they are very complicated ways of moving our bodies, and the action itself is hardly simple, but the feeling I get, and the joy I feel when doing it is. Lastly there’s game, which I now realize I do purely so I can feel that sense of belonging to a larger group. It’s about the camaraderie, joining together in a common activity, and to some extent meeting new and interesting people.

Con report

So this, then, is the state of mind that I find myself in as I get on the plane to ICC. I slept on the way there, checked in, changed for Mage, and dissapeared into something that, ironically, is an imaginary world that is both the ultimate expression of pure thought and imagination and the epitomy of a constructed environment that seeks to conceal the real world. I enjoy myself, but my mind was on the festivities to commense that night. Armed with my flask and enough pepsi to keep me awake… well, it was fun. It was amazing. It was all about the people, and not at all about the game.

Perhaps I should highlight the irony a bit more: Here is a system that adds another layer of rules and complexity on what already exists in our society, and yet by participating we may establish the stories and common ground necessary for phenomenal social bonding. Complexity leading to simplicity, such a potent combination that even without ever having met a particular individual ever before, the common ground established… even when we’d never heard of each other before… crafted a connection stronger than steel, a baseline that no matter who it is, no matter where you meet, there exists a solidarity and comfort level that can be easily nurtured into real friendship.

Enough with the philosophical wanking, then. I had a great time, and want to send out a couple of explicit thank you’s to the following people: Roo James, for the Waltzes (So *that’s* how you do a cross step). Pouncy, for dinner (watching your face when you took the first bite was precious). Julie, for the dance and the uncanny similarity in so many things (You sure we’re not related?). The Guy Who Helped Me Stumble Home On Friday, whose name I don’t remember. Kylee, for filling three hours of airport wait time with the opportunity to make yet another friend. [censored] and [censored], for having the kindness *not* to scream my name while you were having sex in the bed next to mine. Anthony, for letting me into the CV plot and damn fine Magery in general (even though you looked irritated at something). Jessi, for being awesome about the RPS outcome. Squirrel, for not keeling over on me when I fed you protein to stop the shakes (Yes, I know how that sounds, the wording’s intentionally sleazy because the activity was not). Peter, for the shirt (I still haven’t seen a picture).

And everyone else as well, thank you, though I feel positively horrid about not mentioning you specifically. The games were good, the company was amazing.

Some notes on Cam Popularity

I did come out of the con with one concern though, that being the phenomenon of Camarilla Popularity. I know many people there whom I know for some reason or other, people I’ve seen play big characters or hold huge positions or do various and sundry things in the org. And yet… I see them marginalized. You’re not an officer? You’re not a high-status person? Well, tough luck, I don’t want to talk to you.

What surprised me is that, at least in the public parties, this extended even to normal social interaction. I remember two ICC’s ago when I was essentially a nonentity in the organization, and I had a really tough time getting any kind of social presence in the public parties. The private get togethers were fine, people I knew, the tribe I’d become familiar with. But above and beyond that it was rather difficult to make a dent. And now? Everyone knows me. People go out of their way to hang out with me. When I do silly antics OOCly people start joking about how it would be funny if Mr. White did these things. I get invited to parties and people are like: Oh, it’s you! And thus I wonder- is it me? Have I changed significantly? I’d like to think I did, but… well, random strangers are unlikely to recognize me anymore.

Where am I going from here?

Well, the node is still swollen, though I’ve had a chronic sniffle for the past month or so. I call the doctor after Orlando. I’m still afraid of death. This will not change until I “do” something with my life, and at least I now have a goal, if not a plan. I still do too many things, but I’m going to ditch freelancing once I’m done with the current obligations. I’m not at all worried about my Cam Popularity when White goes poof- because right now, I’m making friends that I hope will last.

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