Let me begin this with the unequivocal, undeniable, and extremely accurate statement that I am not, ever have been, or ever intend to be homosexual on an either full time or part time basis. I know what I’m talking about, I’m not in denial, I’m not secretly a cross dresser or have any other strange weird habits that are best not brought up in public. I’m straight, no and’s, if’s or but’s, and no matter how many men hit on me makes me able to overcome the fact that they are bumpy in all the wrong places.

Got that? Good.