And yet I continue to go through the motions, because I know I have to lest I be left behind in the grand scheme of things. For instance, I’m leaving work early today to go to a corporate presentation for AC Nielsen, a marketing research firm that hires out of my business school that I’m interested in. I’m going to put on my marketing face, I’m going to smile and nod and do all the nice things one does in networking situations, but that underlying enthusiasm simply won’t be there.

What else. Well, I’m going to go to class and stare at the professor, try to retain as much as I can because I have to if I want to graduate. I’m going to do homework and work on freelance because they’re obligations, not because I want to anymore. Really, sometimes I feel like the only thing that’s keeping me going is caffiene.

Deeply ingrained in me is a sense of obligation. If you agree to do something, you do it. Then there’s the problem solver in me that doesn’t shy away from a challenge, no matter how big, and takes it head on because I know damn well there’s a solution. But in the assumption of one after the other, it’s my life that’s been pushed to the edges and eliminated. After all, something has to get dropped by the wayside, right? In this case, it was me.

The problem is I don’t know how to recharge. When I go on vacation there will always be the pulse in the back of my brain that goes “You have all those obligations you need to deal with”. I simply cannot let go of them, not even for a short time, no matter how much I try. When I play computer games there’s always a part of me that’s telling me “You’re wasting time”. When I dance I look around and see so many people cutting loose, and me simply being unable to gain the energy back that I put into it.

I know how to give up control. That much is easy, all it takes is a glass of something designed to lay anyone with less tolerance than I under the table. It’s tempting- so tempting- but that’s a luxury I cannot afford. It’s relaxation that’s beyond me. I cannot conceive of a single activity anymore that doesn’t come with its own brand of stress. No hobby, no homework, nothing. It’s all Have To Do This, and Have To Do That. No more “Wants”, “Wishes” or “Dreams”.

And even now I’m looking at myself in disdain: Mike, you’re just bellyaching. Whining. Bootstrap yourself and get back to work. And as always, I’ll pull myself back up- I always do, regardless of how many or few encouraging emails I get. Frankly, most of them don’t really help, because none of them do any good in convincing the only person that needs to be convinced- myself. If I cannot learn, if I cannot understand something and accept it as my own, no amount of proof will work.

So… thanks for reading. I appreciate it. But please, don’t contact me right now. I simply won’t care enough to read it.

Hell, I don’t even know where to begin, which is a pretty good indication of my state of mind recently. To give a lead in, this weekend is a perfect example. I left work yesterday, took a quick shower, then went to a salsa lesson, after which I went home to clean the apartment. This morning I woke up, did some more cleaning, did a lot of way overdue dishes, went to school and finished my datamining homework, came home, got gussied up and head out to an MBA-student semi-formal casino night where I rubbed elbows with a lot of people. After that I ditched the jacket and tie to head to Swing City for a bit, and now I’m home using precious sleep time to toss out this post. Tomorrow I’m shopping/cooking in the morning, will hopefully make it to the gym before I go to the Cotton Club dance lesson (we’re doing advanced hustle), after which I need to grab a bite before I head to my weekly Salsa night at Havana. Then monday to work, then to class, then home, etc etc etc ad nauseum.

I have no free time. Seriously. And I’m complaining about having a massively fun and entertaining social life while still managing to keep my studies on track and my career on the move. See, the reason is that there are many things I can do, and I want to do them all. I want to be excellent at all of them, at everything that I set my mind to. And yet I know that because I try them all, I will never master any of them.

Consider: Right now active pursuits of mine are as follows: Work. Part time MBA. Game/Larping. Salsa. Swing. Weekly (or so) buffy night with Katherine & co. Cooking. Inline skating (moreso now that weather is warmer, but I’m still waiting for the not-wet). Hanging out with embassy people when possible. Miscellaneous MBA events. Email exchanges with a chosen few that take on order of 2-4 hours per message. Somewhere in there I keep my life going via laundry and chores and whatnot.

To maintain these things I am in an active state bordering on mania, bouncing from point a to point b on sometimes less than 5 minutes notice. I have mastered the art of resetting my brain for a new activity in the time it gets me to drive/travel there. Well, maybe not mastered, but you get the idea. Except I’m unfocused. I’m untenable. I see people succeeding amazingly at some things, and I get jealous because everything I try my hand on I seem to only get mediocre success. Except I get mediocre success at a lot more things than others do, yet it leaves me ultimately dissatisifed.

So now what. Well, I’m up shit creek without a paddle at the moment. The things that my mind is telling me to drop I am either obligated to continue (In LARP for instance I’m playing a Bigwig), or realize that they’re some of the activities that are keeping me sane (Buffy, Dancing). The things I want to keep around are becoming harder and harder, and so I try to multitask them (JE and Stu need to get their lazy asses to dance one night . What I need to do is focus. Take a day, a week, a month, find a small corner in a forest somewhere, and let everything drain out of me. Let the tension relax, let the needs and obligations fade away. And then look at myself, figure out who I am, and prioritize.

And then have the balls to cut out the things know I shouldn’t waste my time on anymore.

Cripes- I’ll be honest. I already know what that list is going to look like, and it’s killing me to recognize that gaming really isn’t… I mean, yeah. Mage is awesome, I’m loving it a lot, but… it is the one obligation I have that is most in the way of all the other ones (save the degree, which will hopefully be over in december. Oh man, am I looking forward to December. Anyway, I have goals, they’re pretty simple. In fact, they pretty much align with everyone elses- fiscal security, skill and peer recognition, love, family, etc etc and all that jazz. Quite frankly, I will never reach any of those goals if I keep getting distracted.

No wonder I’m single. I swear, my next dating profile will say: SWM seeking S?F willing to see me about once a month, talk to me maybe once a week, and is capable of understanding that my life is crazy busy.

If I could ever focus on one single thing? It would be a frightening, frightening thing.

Tomorrow will be ‘do all those things you’ve been putting on hold because of finals’ day. Laundry, Coding, Cleaning the House, etc. With, of course, SALSA at 7PM (Yes, I’m still going to beginner lessons. Sue me). Anette and a friend of hers are coming along, and hopefully Sylvia can convince her beau to take her out dancing again . Oooh, I should talk to Joy- she might be interested as well . Sadly, Rachel won’t be there, but she’s off being all robotic in Italy and Las Vegas (which of the two I’m not quite certain at the moment).